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3871. Fish-eating competition

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench. The fisherman couldn't eat them all so they gave them to the Mayor of the town. The Mayor wasn’t sure what to do with them. Then he had an idea; he would have a fish-eating competition. When they had the competition, there were two finalists: a man from a place called Fife, whose name was Mr. Hicks and a man that was from Sweden, whose name is Sven. So they had the final; the Mayor fired the starting pistol and they started eating the tench.
No sooner had Mr. Hicks bitten the fish than one of his teeth fell out. He couldn’t eat because of this so he stopped, but the Mayor refused to stop the competition. So Sven kept on eating and ended up eating nine of these tench fish. The next day the headlines read: ONE TOOTH FREE FOR FIFE HICKS, SVEN ATE NINE TENCH!

3871. 魚大食い競争


ワン、ツース、フリー、フォー、フィフ、ヒックス、スベン、エイト、ナイン、テン (=フィフから来たヒックスの歯がひとつ外れて、スベンがテンを9匹 食べた)

●One, two, three……Ten!と言いたいために、もっともらしい名前の男に魚食い競争をさせた話を作ったのですね。

3872. Order all three

A lawyer cabled his client overseas: “Your mother ?in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?” The reply came back to the lawyer: “Order all three. Take no chances.”

3872. 三通りの方法


3873. I is what I is

An old black man was lying on his deathbed, holding a conversation with the Lord. He finally asked a question he had long wanted to know through his life. “Lord, is you black or is you white?” The Lord replied, “I am what I am.” “Please don’t jive me. I need to know. Is you black or white?” the old black man said. “My son,” the Lord said, “if I were black, I would have said, ‘I is what I is.’”

3873. 私は私

年取った黒人が死の床から、神と話をしていた。黒人は最後に今まで一生の間ずっと疑問に思っていたことを訊ねることにした。「神よ、あなたは黒人なのですか、白人なのですか?」神は答えた。「私は私である(I am what I am.)」「神よ、私をからかわないで下さい。私は本当に知りたいのです。あなたは黒人ですか、白人ですか?(Is you black or white?)」と年取った黒人は必死に訴えた。「わが子よ」と、神は言った。「もし私が黒人だったら先程の答は『わては、わてやさかい(I is what I is)』と言っていたであろうが」

●神は黒人に、もし自分が文法的に間違えた言い方(I is what I is)をしたのなら、それは黒人という証しだ。だが私は正しい言い方(I am what I am)をしたのだから、白人だということがわからんのか、と言っています。

3874. Political jokes

A Russian, a Frenchman and an American argued who was the bravest man. The American said, "For example, we take ten cars of which one has no brakes. We throw dice, each of us gets a car, we drive on a mountain road. Afterwards one of us is in a hospital, and the other nine visit him there." "That's nothing," the Frenchman said. "We choose ten girls and one of them has AIDS. We throw dice and each one of us gets a girl, and we make love to them throughout the night. Afterwards one of us is in a hospital, and the other nine visit him." The Russian said, "We gather in an apartment, even though we know that one of us must be an informer. We tell political jokes throughout the night, and then nine are in jail, and one visits the nine there."

3874. 政治ジョーク


 3875. Hillary's scandals

Donald Trump secretly meets Hillary Clinton at an exclusive bar to dissuade her from running the presidential race by intimidation.

Donald: The media is really tearing you apart for your frauds and scandals.
Hillary: You mean my lying about the Libya situation?
D: No, the other one.
H: You mean the massive voter fraud?
D: No, the other one.
H: Using my private server with classified national intelligence?
D: No, the other one.
H: Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for a tax evasion?
D: No, the other one.
H: Threating all Bill's former mistresses to keep them quiet?
D: No, the other one.
H: Monitoring citizen's cell phones and e-mails by NSA?
D: No, the other one.
H: Give up! Oh, wait. I think I got it. I stole the White House furniture,
silverware and china when Bill left Office.
D:THAT'S IT! You better retreat from the presidential race.

3875. ヒラリーの不正



3876. Carp-to-carp walleting

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

3876. 鯉に囲まれた財布

二人の釣り人が湖にボートを浮かべて釣りをしていた時、一人の男が自分の財布を湖に落としてしまった。二人はその財布が湖の底にゆっくり沈んで行くのを見つめていると、一匹の鯉がやって来てその財布をパクっと加えた。するとそこへもう一匹の鯉が近付き、財布をひったくり、さらに三匹目の鯉がその財布にくいついた。ボートの上でこれを見ていた男の一人が声をあげた。「鯉に囲まれた財布を見るなんて、初めてだ! 」

●Carp-to-carp walletingという造語は wall-to-wall carpeting (壁から壁までの絨毯=床一面に敷きつめた絨毯)という慣用語との言葉遊びです。

3877. Bright class

The principal of an elementary school inspected one class and admired the class teacher. “You have an extraordinary bright class. Whenever you asked a question, no matter how difficult, all the students raised their hands.” The teacher whispered. “Well, this is between you and me, Mr. Ferguson. Whenever we have a visitor, all my pupils raise their hands. Those who know the answer raise the right hand and those who don’t know the answer raise the left hands.”

3877. 賢い生徒ばかりの学級


3878. Try doing it with the engine running

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley Motor-cycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic. "Try doing it with the engine running."

3878. エンジンが動いている時にその作業をしてごらん


 3879.Ghengus Khan's mummy

Late 1940's - the Soviet Union was claiming it had invented the world. Stalin receives a report that Soviet archaeologists have discovered the remains of what might be the mighty warrior Ghengus Khan Stalin was excited, but was told he had to wait before the results could be certain. Stalin cabled "Patience run out. Need report." Next day, a report comes back saying that the mummy was, indeed, Ghengus Khan. This is heralded all over the Soviet Union, and the archaeologists are given a banquet. One of their companions asks them how they were able to determine, beyond any doubt, that the mummy was indeed Ghengus Khan within such a short time. "It was simple," replied the archaeologist. "The mummy confessed."

3879. ジンギスカンのミイラ


3880. Cello

What's the difference between a cell and a chainsaw? The grip.

3880. チェロ

チェロと電動ノコギリの違いは何か? 握り方。


Kaz's BOOK STOREへ 英語のジョーク表紙へ
Mail Kaz for Other Jokes Archives(旧作一覧)