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3881. Purchasing new brains

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year that he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points. After a series of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate. "That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive." "Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a scientist's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a politician's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars." "Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a politician's brain? Why on earth is that?" "Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many politicians we would have to kill?"

3881. 新しい脳細胞を購入する


3882. Like buying a 747

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 airliner for the free peanuts.

3882. ボーイング747を買うようなもの


 3883.The Pope and Hilary Clinton

Hillary Clinton and the Pope are sharing a huge stage at a gathering in New York, where thousands of people have come to see them speak. The Pope leans in to Hillary and says, "Did you know that with just one wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd ecstatic with joy? The joy will not be temporary, but instead will go deep into their hearts and be remembered for the rest of their lives." Hillary, looking at the Pope with skepticism, says "If you can really do that, then show me." The Pope reaches out and backhands Hillary, knocking her off the stage. The crowd roars while the Pope looks down at Hillary and says, "I told you I could do it!"

3883. ローマ法皇とヒラリークリントン



 3884. Square roots

What happened to the plant in math class? It grew square roots.

3884. 平方根

数学の教室に植えられた植物に何が起こったか?根が正方形になった。 (平方根になった)

●square rootは√(平方根)のことです。

3885. Can I stay here?

The front doorbell rang and a man opened the door to find his mother-in-law on the doorstep with a suit case. “Can I stay here for a few days?” she asked. The man replied, “Sure you can,” and he shut the door in her face.

3885. ここに居てもいい?



3886. Policemen in Heaven

St. Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St. Peter asked. "I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids." "Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates." A few moments later a second man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St .Peter asked. "I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers." "Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise." A few moments later a third man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St. Peter asked. "I was a Military Policeman, Sir." "Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?"

3886. 天国に昇った警察官



 3887. Donald Trump Riddles(2)

Q6. Which nation is Donald Trump’s most favorite ?
A6. Discrimination.
Q7. Have you seen the new TV show about the Whitehouse makeover?
A7. It's called "Trump It or Dump It."
Q8. Why don't cats cross Trump's path?
A8. Because they are afraid of pussy grabbers.
Q9. How can Mexicans jump over the wall on the border?
A9. By Trumpoline.
Q&A10. What do you call 100 illegals on the moon? A problem. What do you call 1000 illegals on the moon? Still a problem. Then What do you call all of the illegal immigrants on the moon? Problem solved. (Trump’s real campaign joke in South California)

3887. ドナルドトランプクイズ(2)

Q6. ドナルドトランプが一番好きな国(nation)は何ですか?
A6. 差別(Discrimination)
Q7. ホワイトハウスの刷新についての新しいTVショーを見ましたか?
A7. タイトルは「切り札を出すか、放り出すか(Trump It or Dump IT)」です。
Q8. なぜ猫はトランプの敷地内を横切らないのですか?
A8. ギュっと局部を握られることを恐れるからです。(注:Pussyは子猫、女性器という二つの意味があり、Trumpは女性の局部を握ったということで問題になりました)
Q9. メキシコ人達は国境に建てられた壁をどうやって乗り越えますか?
A9. トランプ・ポリン(トランポリン)を使って。
Q&A10. 100人の不法移民が月に居たら何と呼ぶ?(答)問題だ。1000人の不法移民が月に居たら何と呼ぶ?(答)やはり問題だ。ではすべての不法移民が月に居たら何と呼ぶ?(答)問題は解決された。 (これは南カリフォルニアでの選挙キャンペーン中に、実際にトランプが語ったジョークです)

3888. The cremated husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him, "Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!" Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?" Here it comes... Phh….

3888. 火葬された夫

マーサは最近亡くなった夫を火葬にした。骨壺を手に取ると、遺骨の灰をテーブルの上にバラまいた。灰を指でなぞりながらマーサは亡くなった夫に向かって語りかけた。「ハーマン、皿洗い機を買ってくれるって約束したこと覚えている?私、あなたの死亡保険金で買わせてもらったわよ」黙って指で灰をなぞり続けてから、また夫に語った。「ハーマン、車を買ってくれるって私に約束していたわよね?これも保険金で買わせてもらったわ」マーサは数分間指で灰をなぞった後で、夫に話しかけた。「ハーマン、あなたが買ってくれるって約束したダイアの指輪ね、あれも保険金で買ったわ」そして最後に、夫の灰を指でなぞりながら彼女は言った。「ハーマン、私があなたにフェラチオ(blow job)してあげるって約束したわよね。これからしてあげるわ」そして、プーっと彼女は息を吹きかけた。


3889. Tour of Hell

In the 19th century, Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town in Minnesota one cold winter's night. He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow him into the circle. Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno. When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I see here: All of the lawyers gathered in the hottest place."

3889. 地獄旅行


3890. Interest

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

3890. 興味(利子)


Kaz's BOOK STOREへ 英語のジョーク表紙へ
Mail Kaz for Other Jokes Archives(旧作一覧)