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3891. Spill your brains all over the place

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a passenger. The passenger happens to be George W Bush. The masked gunman held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place." The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could kneel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me, they couldn't find their way o Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the passenger's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." No one said a word at first, then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator all burst into laughter. "He's George W Bush!" they laughed. "He doesn't have any brains!"

3891. 脳みそをここいら一面にばらまくぞ

貨物機が予定航路に沿って海の上を飛行中、突然操縦席の扉がドシンと音を立てて開かれ、武器を持って覆面で顔を隠したハイジャッカーが、侵入してきたので、操縦室の中に居た機長、副操縦士、航空士、そして一人の乗客−たまたま、その乗客はジョージ・W・ブッシュだったのだが、 は驚いた。覆面をした男は機長の頭に銃を突きつけ、「この飛行機をイラクへ向けろ。さもないとお前の脳みそは、ここいら一面にばらまかれることになるぞ!」と脅した。機長は落ち着いて手を伸ばして、銃を横に押し戻して言った。「いいかい、あんたが僕を撃ったらこの飛行機は海に墜落してしまうから、あんたも我々と一緒に死ぬ運命になるぞ」その言葉を聞いたハイジャッカーは少し考えてから、副操縦士の頭に銃を突きつけて脅した。「この飛行機をイラクへ向けろ。さもないと俺はお前の脳みそをここいら一面にばらまいてやるぞ!」副操縦士は落ち着いて手を伸ばして、銃を横に押し戻して言った。「よく聞きたまえ、この機長は心臓が悪いんだ。もしあんたが僕を撃って僕が死ぬのを目撃したら、機長はショックで心臓麻痺を起こしてこの席で倒れてしまうぞ。そうすれば飛行機は海面に墜落し、あんたも残りの人と一緒に海の藻屑さ」ハイジャッカーは少し考えてから、航空士の頭に銃を突きつけて脅した。「この飛行機をイラクへ向けろ。さもないと俺はお前の脳みそをここいら一面にばらまいてやるぞ!」航空士は落ち着いて手を伸ばして、銃を横に押し戻して言った。「僕があんたなら、そんなことはしないな。機長も副操縦士も航空機の航路については全くわかっていない。僕がいなくなればイラクへどうやって飛べばよいか、この二人はわからないんだ。だから僕を撃ち殺せば、この飛行機は結局海に落ちることになり、あんたも残りの人と一緒に運命を共にするしかないのさ」ハイジャッカーは再び考え込むと、仕方ないといった風に肩をすくめ、残っていた一人の乗客の頭に銃を突きつけた。「この飛行機をイラクへ向けろ。さもないとこいつの脳みそは、ここいら一面にばらまかれることになるぞ!」一瞬シーンとしたが、やがて機長、副操縦士、航空士が三人揃って大声で笑い出した。「こいつはジョージ・W・ブッシュだぜ!こいつを撃ったって、脳みそなんて散らばらないぜ」

3892. Last requests

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. "Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

3892. 最後の願い


3893.Old men never die

What happens when people of different occupations get old?
1. Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
2. Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
3. Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
4. Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
5. Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
6. Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

3893. 老兵は死なず

1. 年老いた会計士は死なず、ただバランスを失うだけ。(勘定:バランスが合わなくなる)
2. 年老いた養蜂家は死なず、ただ立ち去るのみ。(buzzは蜂の飛ぶ音、 buzz off立ち去る)
3. 年老いた自動車修理工は死なず、退職するだけだ。(retire のtireを車のタイアにかけて)
4. 年老いたリンボーダンサーは死なず、身を没するのみ。(棒の下を潜るリンボーダンサーなのでgo under:下を通る、没する、つぶれる、の表現が生きる)
5. 年老いた兵隊は死なず、若い兵隊が死ぬ。(老練な兵士は生き延びる術を知っている)
6. 年老いたレスラーは死なず、身体のコントロールが効かなくなるだけ。(lose their gripは文字通りだと掴んでいた相手の手を外されること)

3894. Excuse for speeding

A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the car in back of me."

3894. スピード違反の言い訳



3895.Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church. One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons. The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!" Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor. After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit. The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

3895. 超満員の教会


 3896.History repeats itself

Richard Nixon insisted, "I am not a crook!" But of course he was. Now Donald Trump shrilly insists, "I am not a crook/con-artist/liar/traitor/racist/ bully/chauvinist/molester!" History repeats itself, you know.

3896. 歴史は繰り返す


3897. An hour of pleasure

The dean of women at a girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a life time of shame?" A sweet young girl in the back of the room rose to ask, "How do you make it last an hour?"

3897. 一時間の快楽


 3898. Donald Trump's Wake

When Donald Trump died, an elaborate wake was planned. Mrs. Trump called the undertaker aside for a private little talk. "Please be sure to secure his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I knew he was bald," she confided, "and he'd never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point. Our friends are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects." "Rest assured, Mrs. Trump," comforted the undertaker. "I'll fix it so that toupee will never come off." Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving Donald's corpse quite a going over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the end of the day, delighted Mrs. Trump offered the undertaker an extra thousand dollars for handling the matter so professionally. "Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker. "Only for a few nails?"

3898. ドナルドトランプの葬式


3899. Submarine

Trump, Putin, and Merkel are walking along a waterfront when Trump starts to brag that American submarines can stay submerged for two months. Not to be outdone, Putin says: "That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for two years." Merkel is just about to open her mouth when a large sub surfaces. The hatch opens and a man in a swastika military uniform sticks his head out and says:" Heil Hitler! is the war over yet?"

3899. 潜水艦



3900. Kei Nishikori Jokes

Q1: Why should you never fall in love with Kei Nishikori?
A1: To him, LOVE means nothing, zero!

Q2: What do fish and Kei Nishikori have in common?
A2: Neither like getting close to the net.

Q3: What did Michael Chan, gthe coach for Kei Nishikori, say when he asked him if he thought his game is improving?
A3: Yes, you miss the ball much closer now.

Q4: What does Kei Nishikori do when he wins Wimbledon?
A4: He turns off the PlayStation.

3900. 錦織圭ジョーク









Kaz's BOOK STOREへ 英語のジョーク表紙へ
Mail Kaz for Other Jokes Archives(旧作一覧)